Superman 64 (Nintendo 64)
This is another review from the video game site I wrote for years ago. I do not remember most of the things I wrote back then, but this review has always stuck with me. I had fun writing the piece, since I did the review without talking about the game at all. I think I got the point across. Looking back, the review is stiff in spots, but I still like the angle I took. If only I had learned to edit my pieces back then. The article was originally posted on November 14, 2001.
Title: Superman 64
System: Nintendo 64
Developer: Titus Software Corp.
Publisher: Titus Software Corp.
# of Players: 1-4
Release Year: May 28, 1999
There once was a kid who seemed to have everything go the right way for him in life. He had no complaints. Life was happy and full of good fun. He had plenty of friends to keep him company and to play with when he needed to be entertained. The kid was living the good life. However, the life of this kid changed very drastically on one fateful day.
The day began like every other. All seemed good to the kid. He went about his usual business and played with his usual friends. But then he met someone new. The new friend was interesting. He seemed to be like most the other friends that the kid hung around with. He was sure the new friend would fit in fine. So the kid invited the new friend over to his house to play, and the new friend happily accepted.
Things started out great and the kid was happy thinking about the possibilities and the fun he would have with his new friend. But then the unthinkable happened and the new friend turned on the kid. It happened very quickly and without any real reason that the kid could comprehend. Suddenly, the new friend was a different person. He was mean, ill tempered, and not any fun to play with at all. The new friend began beating the kid with his fists. Hit after hit, the kid reeled from the awkward blows of the new friend. What had happened? The new friend had seemed like such a nice person. Where had things gone wrong? Perhaps the kid had said something to offend the new friend? Maybe he had done something to upset him? The kid pleaded for the new friend to stop. He apologized but with no effect. The new friend continued his onslaught.
After some time, the new friend let up on his attach. He managed to find a decent amount of rope and tied up the kid.
“Now you will have to play with me whenever I want,” the new friend said with a devilish laugh, “There is no escape for you.”
And the new friend was right. The kid could think of no way out of this predicament. And then suddenly a thought occurred to the kid. The new friend had cut the rope in two pieces. One piece was used to tie up the kid’s hands and the other piece was used to tie the kid’s legs to the table. This made it impossible for the kid to get out of the house unless he could get the rope off of his legs. The only thing that the kid could use to sever the rope was his teeth and it was too far away to reach. The kid would have to chew off his own legs to escape the madness of the new friend. All through the night the kid worked at his leg ignoring the pain. Freedom would come soon.
By the time the new friend had woke up the kid had finished the job and dragged himself out of the house and on to freedom. The new friend was no longer able to torment the kid. The kid could go on living his life in enjoyment and the only thing it had cost him was his legs.
You may be wondering about what you just read and how it has to do with anything. Well, the answer is very simple. All you need to do to understand this story is make a few substitutions. First, substitute you, the consumer, for the kid. Next, substitute Superman 64 for the new friend. Then it is much easier to get the intended message: it would be better to chew off your own legs than to play Superman 64.
Way too many things to list here. Bad controls, weak story, choppy graphics, and on and on and on…
You don’t really have to chew off your legs to avoid playing this one.
I guess sometimes people enjoy the really bad games just because they are so bad. I don’t.
Retro Rating: 2